i love my fav Amber .

OHHHHH FAAAAV! . i love my fav this is my fav mhm yup sure is . and im hers . shes my fav AND I CALL HER THAT FOR A REASON . . oh how i love her . shes my little dumpling . mhmm . sure . my lil egg roll eatin store walkin fav . ouu yeahh she was a bum one time in my fantasy land had a trash bag full of life . ouuuuyeahh she understands me and i love her . . all the things we go through individually are crazy but we always find a way to make eachother laugh . i love her dearly . shes dear to my heart . ohhhhh what a dear . weirdest strangest funniest goofiest lil rugrat ive ever met . .ohhhh faaaav . her mommys nice and her brothers a lil jerk . ayeeeee . .  oh fav . im in love with her . were gonna get married one day . but were not gay . just in love =) ohhh faav . . i owe her tacos and she owes me her LIFE lol jk. oh fav how i love you . any man that passes her up is an IDIOT a big toe sucking IDIOT!!!! and i despise them and i despise everybody thats ever made her mad or unhappy i will shoot them wth my cap gun !!! . ghrrrr i love you fav =) ohhh faaaaav .

i love my baby mama .

<<< that RIGHT THERE . mhmmm thats my bitch Dayna muthaFUCKIN T . . aka my baby mamaaaaa wit her rude ass . . thats that baby mama looooveeeeee . . . she my twitter whore and im hers . . we just dont really give a fuck or 2 or any for that matter . we just mean . and we some daddy snatcherssssss . lmao . follow us on twitter and we'll show you . we some trend settin bitches . lemme find out muthafuckas start talkin like us . really? really? REALLY??? uhn uhhhhhhhn . .lemme find OUT!!!!! tell em bitch tell em (gremlin voice) anyone reading this probably wont understand this but her though . lol lemme find out u laughin at me for crawlin drunk on the floor but bitch ima let you find out that the floor im crawlin on is worth more than yo LIFE!!! so go ahead and keep it pushin . we attract the finest and and thats just how it is . okay HAAAAAAAAAAAY . we be off that GRAPE DRANK uh huh . . beter ask somebodyyy . she lil & im big but who caresss . we see eye to fucking EYE so =p . . ily baby mammaaaa ill never let ya go . hahah .

Actually .

have you ever met a person that just makes u overly infatuated with them ? and u wish you could be with them but you know it will NEVER happen ? there may have been that one day or night where you thought maybe , just MAYBE but no . . it never happened . they never give you the attention you want from them but you just dont care you think theyre amazing anyways .

I actually think you're amazing . that's your name in my phone , my aim , my mind , my heart . I actually think you're incredible . the way you walk , your talk , you're out of this world smart . I actually think you're beyond it all . your mind , your words , &&` mostly your goals . I actually think you're mesmorizing . Your eyes, your lips, your hair, your scent . I actualy think you're an angel . Your glow , your vibe, your entirely heaven sent . I actually think you're intriguing . The way you type, the way you look, the way you strive for what you get . I actualy think you're sexy .The way you turn your head , the way you stand , the way you lick your lips . I actually think you're funny . Your sense of humor , your smart remarks, your laughters a form of art . I actually think you're a blessing . To whoever gets you , to whoever yu love, to whoever finds you, and makes you fall in love . I actually think you're intelligent . The words you use , what's in your mind , you're prospectives on things, and how yu feel about life . I actually think youre adorable . The faces you make , the smirks on yur face , a price couldn't pay for your brown eyes . I actually think you're lovely . Pleasure to be around , enjoyable all around . I actually think you're pretty cool . Real down to earth, pretty understanding, pretty cooperative , you pretty much rule . I actually think you're priceless .The tone of your voice, your signature face, your specific words yu use on a regular basis . I actually think you're amazing . that's your name in my phone , my aim , my mind , my heart . I actually want you to be mine . And I actually want to be yours . And I actually know that you'll never know this part I'm sure !

- Holly Cabrera .

Broken Home .

When i was a young girl I saw the tears on my daddys face , the pain in his eyes . i watched him kill his heart to hold his own family together , to keep love intact . i watched him chase his only love like the wind chases itself . I promised I'd never fall into that thing he chased that thing he fought for That thing he lost . I promised I'd always keep myself safe and away from brokenness , and I'd never have to go through the process of restoring a home that once was . The spotllight shined as my mother ran away from home , bright as day clear as crystal i watched a tower fall down and crumble into nothing more than a failed attempt . What was so little towered over me , it was bigger than itself . Restoration was out of the question , i watched as he cursed and I watched as she cried . i saw them angry , i saw them fight , I came home from school to a cage of a home , a wild untamed love that swarmed through the walls , the energy , the vibes , the pain and cries of help , cries of being stuck and alone and with nowhere to go . How to break up a kingdom , how to destroy what was there . Police knocking on the door sharing the infidelity of my mom , showing her other side and her other life , the truth never set her free so she never set it out . She set herself free , the lies let her go , and she left , and never came back . she went to another place and ill never get her back . A dark cave , cold and wet . war of the worlds ill never forget ! My daddy never asked to be crushed and betrayed , he never wanted to have tears in his eyes . Why do we live like this ? where did we go wrong ? wat happened to our imperfectly perfect home ? It ran when she did , they left together , she stole our family , and ill never get anything better . i wonder what could have happened if that light never turned red . The love never would have crumbled . And the kingdom wouldn't have fell . I just wanna be home , safe and sound , in a secure box . Never will it happen , its my dreams that will always walk .

-Holly Cabrera .

unfinished .

Me? Live? HA i wish . icant even breathe my own air without asking permission . icant even be 18 and get treated like an adult . where are you going ? who are you talking to ? who is that ? ive been here for 18 years and i deserve some respect and privacy! freedom is what i should get and understanding is what yu should be . everythings going down the drain like a thick liquid clogging my brain . i cant focus i cant think i cant sleep . i dnt know what to do . my only escape is the tapping noises of my fingers to the keyboard . i live my own life so dont you tell me what i have in my head . dont you dare think you have a clue ! because you dont know me and i dont know you i could careless what you think about when you lay your head down at night . so dont you worry about me! i can take care of myself ive wandered the streets of struggles at night before i know what to do when i need to do it! but lately i cant focus . i cant do anything . i dont even know what to focus on anymore . i have too many people in my life. and i have too many things in my head . my family smothers me. certain peoples presence gives me nausea and i just wanna hide in my room til the next morning . everyday is a routine, a schedule . and i feel like it never ends so i just let it go on and on and on . im on my own out here and thats fine . . . im just as misplaced as a puzzle . . numb and emotionless . . ill be back soon though . ill return to what was once a young free spirit

-Holly Cabrera .

question mark ?

i can feel the confusion on my face as i drag my hands down my cheeks ; drained and tired . i can feel the stress in my breath as i take heavy breaths ; exhausted and restless . i find mysef in a blank stare with a blank thought and a blank expression just looking at nothing . i wonder how it is that i find the focus to stare at nothing for so long , examine it , study it , and get a picture perfect memory of what im looking at but yet i cant lay down at night with a clear mind and clear expression and close my eyes and rest! i think about things i thought i forgot . i think about things that have no meaning and i find a meaning to them . i think about the past and the present and the future and ask mysef why but i never answer my own quesion . i slouch over in the office chair , grab my neck and take a deep breath! there for almost 2 seconds im free . i have nothing on my mind . but once i blink again its back to 4 seconds ago!  i just hold my face up and rest my elbows on the wooden desk staring into nothing and  . . . .then i get a block! i lose track of my thoughts i lose track of everything . its relieving yet confusing and frustrating at the same time , i need to think  i need to figure things out i just cant seem to be able to do so . my thoughts go on an angry rampage then they lose sight of what they were seeing then it starts all over again 5 seconds later about god knows what ! i dont even know why i think about the things i do ! theres no meaning to it . nothing betters me im just stuck in the chair im in and ill be glued here til i can find my own way to my own life . i need a motivation . something to help me go on and keep going ! but its all just too much ! i am not a weak person but every night at the same time i have no choice but to surrender to myself ! and just let the thoughts race . i cant fight them forever . so until then i just have to play on their team !  . . . whatever that means !

-Holly Cabrera .

Thanks for nothin'

Don’t step into my light with your shady clothing . Don’t take away my shine with your dimmest light , for I will forever be me , not what you create me , I will always inquire the highest throne , and I will always speak what I’ve always known . do away with your thumb on the top of my head , I am not your puppet I will not play dead , you cannot kill my spirits and you cannot steal my joy . You’ll never be able to take from me the happiness I enjoy . Take back your belongings as I grab them out of my head . I refuse to let you instill your opinions and turn them into my thoughts . I won’t allow for you to control me and turn me into a loss . I will never lose myself I will never lose my sight . and I I will never again let you corrupt me not again in this lifetime . I’ve given up too much . and I’ve given in but for what ? . so now I must start over . how about a round of applause . pat me on the back tell me you’re proud . thats what I never got from you . you never showed me how. How to love how to care how to nurture and take care . I built my own wall and you tried to tear it down . But not this time , not next time or the next . for when I rise to the top . we will see who's best . but thanks for what u didn’t do . it made me that much wiser . I thank you for not being there . it made my heart that much colder . now I cant seem to care about many many things but I know that in the long run I’ll do it for me ! I never do it for you . or them or anyone else . I do it for my future , nonetheless . so a round of applause , a standing ovation , thanks for what you never did . now I get to fill the blanks .

-Holly Cabrera .

Her own secret .

She wakes up to shouting , her lullabies are screams .The only time she's never crying is when she sleeps and dreams . She wakes up in the morning to get onto the school bus . The kids point , laugh &&` joke as if she's some kind of host . She stares out the window too young to comprehend . The only thing she knows is she needs a helping hand . mystified &&` unaccompanied she goes about each day ! Not knowing the meaning of life . &&` not knowing that she stays in her own little cubby . Its her cubby of secrets . She never let's herself out . utterly oblivious to all the things she's feeling . All the things she's seen . She thinks this is it . She dreams of more than it . But she hasn't yet realized that she's her own secret &&` she can't tell any1 , like she was avowed to secrecy at birth &&` now she's the only 1 , no1 will ever know what goes on in her mind , her life , her heart , she will never remember the secret she once told herself ! But later on , on her journey , shell come to find that secrets are never kept &&` shell come to understand all the things in her head ! Until she reaches that point , she will cling to her secret tight &&` she will live in her cubby like its her very last chance to live


-Holly Cabrera .

fantasy .

When the world around you crumbles . and the room you're in darkens . look outside your window , look at the sun and look at the sky . what do you see? you see a world of open air . so why do you feel so trapped? why do u feel so suffocated ? when the only consistant thing in your life in lonliness , the rest of the world brightens their faces with their joy . the rest of the world prances around and laughs . the rest of the world has no problems on their shoulders . and eveytime you feel like you've broken that glass shell , like you've crossed that bridge . you only come to find that you're believing your own fantasy . a fantasy of when you shake someones hand you feel the greeting . a fantasy of when you give someone a hug you feel the warmth . a fantasy of when somebody says hello you feel their kindness . a fantasy of where you dont drown yourself to sleep in your own sympathy everynight . a fantasy of where your tears dont shed themselves with no reasoning and no explanation . a fantasy of when you wake and you actually feel awake . a fantasy of where life is worth fighting for . a fantasy of where your eyes are lucky to see your own life . a fantasy of where you can feel  . you creep around the corners of happiness' house just to see what its like and its never a clear view . you follow joy around just to see what shes up to . you chase love all around the block just to see if you can catch it . and at the end of night your just a secret of your own that you keep inside . so you sleep in that sympathy bed and you curl up in those unhappy covers . just to wake up and cry it out then to live your day with no meaning , no satisfaction , no value . and to go to sleep at night and do it all over again until your clock strikes 12 .

-Holly Cabrera .