Broken Home .

When i was a young girl I saw the tears on my daddys face , the pain in his eyes . i watched him kill his heart to hold his own family together , to keep love intact . i watched him chase his only love like the wind chases itself . I promised I'd never fall into that thing he chased that thing he fought for That thing he lost . I promised I'd always keep myself safe and away from brokenness , and I'd never have to go through the process of restoring a home that once was . The spotllight shined as my mother ran away from home , bright as day clear as crystal i watched a tower fall down and crumble into nothing more than a failed attempt . What was so little towered over me , it was bigger than itself . Restoration was out of the question , i watched as he cursed and I watched as she cried . i saw them angry , i saw them fight , I came home from school to a cage of a home , a wild untamed love that swarmed through the walls , the energy , the vibes , the pain and cries of help , cries of being stuck and alone and with nowhere to go . How to break up a kingdom , how to destroy what was there . Police knocking on the door sharing the infidelity of my mom , showing her other side and her other life , the truth never set her free so she never set it out . She set herself free , the lies let her go , and she left , and never came back . she went to another place and ill never get her back . A dark cave , cold and wet . war of the worlds ill never forget ! My daddy never asked to be crushed and betrayed , he never wanted to have tears in his eyes . Why do we live like this ? where did we go wrong ? wat happened to our imperfectly perfect home ? It ran when she did , they left together , she stole our family , and ill never get anything better . i wonder what could have happened if that light never turned red . The love never would have crumbled . And the kingdom wouldn't have fell . I just wanna be home , safe and sound , in a secure box . Never will it happen , its my dreams that will always walk .

-Holly Cabrera .

unfinished .

Me? Live? HA i wish . icant even breathe my own air without asking permission . icant even be 18 and get treated like an adult . where are you going ? who are you talking to ? who is that ? ive been here for 18 years and i deserve some respect and privacy! freedom is what i should get and understanding is what yu should be . everythings going down the drain like a thick liquid clogging my brain . i cant focus i cant think i cant sleep . i dnt know what to do . my only escape is the tapping noises of my fingers to the keyboard . i live my own life so dont you tell me what i have in my head . dont you dare think you have a clue ! because you dont know me and i dont know you i could careless what you think about when you lay your head down at night . so dont you worry about me! i can take care of myself ive wandered the streets of struggles at night before i know what to do when i need to do it! but lately i cant focus . i cant do anything . i dont even know what to focus on anymore . i have too many people in my life. and i have too many things in my head . my family smothers me. certain peoples presence gives me nausea and i just wanna hide in my room til the next morning . everyday is a routine, a schedule . and i feel like it never ends so i just let it go on and on and on . im on my own out here and thats fine . . . im just as misplaced as a puzzle . . numb and emotionless . . ill be back soon though . ill return to what was once a young free spirit

-Holly Cabrera .

question mark ?

i can feel the confusion on my face as i drag my hands down my cheeks ; drained and tired . i can feel the stress in my breath as i take heavy breaths ; exhausted and restless . i find mysef in a blank stare with a blank thought and a blank expression just looking at nothing . i wonder how it is that i find the focus to stare at nothing for so long , examine it , study it , and get a picture perfect memory of what im looking at but yet i cant lay down at night with a clear mind and clear expression and close my eyes and rest! i think about things i thought i forgot . i think about things that have no meaning and i find a meaning to them . i think about the past and the present and the future and ask mysef why but i never answer my own quesion . i slouch over in the office chair , grab my neck and take a deep breath! there for almost 2 seconds im free . i have nothing on my mind . but once i blink again its back to 4 seconds ago!  i just hold my face up and rest my elbows on the wooden desk staring into nothing and  . . . .then i get a block! i lose track of my thoughts i lose track of everything . its relieving yet confusing and frustrating at the same time , i need to think  i need to figure things out i just cant seem to be able to do so . my thoughts go on an angry rampage then they lose sight of what they were seeing then it starts all over again 5 seconds later about god knows what ! i dont even know why i think about the things i do ! theres no meaning to it . nothing betters me im just stuck in the chair im in and ill be glued here til i can find my own way to my own life . i need a motivation . something to help me go on and keep going ! but its all just too much ! i am not a weak person but every night at the same time i have no choice but to surrender to myself ! and just let the thoughts race . i cant fight them forever . so until then i just have to play on their team !  . . . whatever that means !

-Holly Cabrera .