question mark ?

i can feel the confusion on my face as i drag my hands down my cheeks ; drained and tired . i can feel the stress in my breath as i take heavy breaths ; exhausted and restless . i find mysef in a blank stare with a blank thought and a blank expression just looking at nothing . i wonder how it is that i find the focus to stare at nothing for so long , examine it , study it , and get a picture perfect memory of what im looking at but yet i cant lay down at night with a clear mind and clear expression and close my eyes and rest! i think about things i thought i forgot . i think about things that have no meaning and i find a meaning to them . i think about the past and the present and the future and ask mysef why but i never answer my own quesion . i slouch over in the office chair , grab my neck and take a deep breath! there for almost 2 seconds im free . i have nothing on my mind . but once i blink again its back to 4 seconds ago!  i just hold my face up and rest my elbows on the wooden desk staring into nothing and  . . . .then i get a block! i lose track of my thoughts i lose track of everything . its relieving yet confusing and frustrating at the same time , i need to think  i need to figure things out i just cant seem to be able to do so . my thoughts go on an angry rampage then they lose sight of what they were seeing then it starts all over again 5 seconds later about god knows what ! i dont even know why i think about the things i do ! theres no meaning to it . nothing betters me im just stuck in the chair im in and ill be glued here til i can find my own way to my own life . i need a motivation . something to help me go on and keep going ! but its all just too much ! i am not a weak person but every night at the same time i have no choice but to surrender to myself ! and just let the thoughts race . i cant fight them forever . so until then i just have to play on their team !  . . . whatever that means !

-Holly Cabrera .